Currently playing: Starsailor “In The Crossfire” from their new album, On The Inside. I think it’s the first track. It’s on the latest mix. Their last album was shite, but this one is good.
Brother J IMed me this afternoon to let me know Dad had a tough night. Without sharing too many details, he had terrible stomach and bladder problems. Mom had to take him to the ER. Brother J met her there. I’m not sure what time it all went down, but dad sounded exhausted. I was IMing back and forth with Brother J until I couldn’t do it anymore. Not from work.
I just don’t understand why, if his cancer is inoperable, incurable and will never go into remission, he is putting himself through this. I mean, if he can live a shorter time relatively healthy, which he is now, then what’s the fucking point? I’d rather see him happy and able to do the things he loves for a shorter time than have him suffer through chemo. And there are no guarantees even with the chemo. The clinical trial he is a part of now is 12% effective (according to another doctor). This is a reasonable question!
I had a discussion about all of this with him tonight and he’s in agreement. It’s something that he needs to be thinking about. He knows it’s something he can talk to me about as well. The last time I was home a few weeks ago, we sat down and had a 2-hour conversation about death. It was difficult. We both cried, but ultimately it brought us closer. I’m here for him, Mom, Brother J, and Sister B.
He’s off the chemo for now. They have to adjust the dosage. But he has to realize going through chemo is going to be difficult, and not just for him. He doesn’t want to put himself through this, to say nothing of family and friends. I have questions as to whether he will go through it. I don’t blame him and I wouldn’t be angry if he decided to not go through chemo.
