I’ve been reading Dave Eggars' latest book, You Shall Know Our Velocity. I started it sometime ago, put it down and then started over again. I was only 28 pages in, so I didn’t feel like starting over was unreasonable. Will, one of the two main characters in the book has these conversations with himself. I suppose everyone has conversations with themselves.
I had just finished, or was finishing the last cigarette in a pack.
- You know these things are going to kill you.
- Yeah, thanks dad.
- Hey, dont be an asshole. Im just trying to look out for you.
- I really appreciate it.
- You’re kind of in denial, eh?
- No. I know these things are going to kill me. Sometimes I even think that maybe they are already killing me. I get mad at myself for allowing myself to become addicted again. I want to blame someone else for it.
- You’ve got no one to blame but yourself.
- Yeah, I know. I’ve thought about it though. I can trace it back to dating someone who smoked and instead of being bothered by it, I just smoked with her. You know, so it didn’t taste so bad when I kissed her.
- That’s kind of pathetic.
- Yeah, but she was pretty hot and I still think smoking looks sexy.
- But you quit smoking cold turkey several years ago. Why would you think you wouldn’t become addicted again?
- I didn’t give it much thought really. I think I smoke because I’m at home all the time. If I had a 9 to 5 and I had to actually make an effort to smoke, I don’t think I would smoke as much as I do now.
- You give it plenty of thought. You’re lying.
- Well, yeah, now I give it plenty of thought. The sore throat I have could be throat cancer.
- I think you’re being a little dramatic.
- I know, but it’s crossed my mind.
- So what’s going to happen when you finish that last cigarette in your pack?
- The yellow pack screaming at me right now?
- Yeah, that one.
- I’ll quit smoking.
- For good?
- I don’t know. Probably not.
- You’re going to die.
- I know.
- That’s a rough way to go.
- I know. We’ve been through this before.
- We’ll probably go through it again. I just hope you don’t keep struggling with it. Make the decision and stick to it.
- I have every intention of that, but I like to smoke.
- You like to stink?
- No. I just said I like to smoke.
- Smoking stinks. Your office smells like a fucking ashtray.
- I’m going to have a cigarette.
- It’s the last one in the pack. How long do you figure it’ll be until you buy another one?
- I dont know.
- I bet you buy one tomorrow.
- Asshole.
